Monday, March 19, 2012

a different plan

First comes love...

(our first date in florida- 2006)

Then comes marriage..

(may 26, 2007)

Then comes Joanna with the baby carriage.... 
                                                                                or not.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of meeting a man like Jake. I prayed and hoped for someone to love and respect me the way he's done SO well for the past 5 years. I am so very thankful to be Mrs. Jacob Piatt. I also had this rhyme written on my heart. I truly desired nothing more in this world than to be a wife and a mother. So, we started trying about a year into marriage.. it was exciting at first. Waiting to see if it worked and honestly feeling a little like playing "house"! A year went by and nothing... friends and family advised seeing a doctor but we thought "hey, we're young, active, hot, in love,..etc.".. it'll happen. We heard crazy advice and tried to follow most- "relax"-"take a vacation"-"stand on your head"- "chart"-"eat these foods"... and the list goes ON! We finally felt led to at least start some testing and that's when I thought my world fell apart.

Without getting into the medical nonsense, turns out our odds of conceiving naturally were about -5%.. the doctor used the phrase "divine intervention".. Now, we believe that the Lord opens and closes the womb, so ALL life is divine intervention- but we knew that's not what the doctor meant. We then discussed procedures and options, and really there are no surgeries or medication to "fix" us, just medical procedures to assist us in conceiving. The next few months were really a blur, testing and more testing and finally a plan. The infertility specialists told us IVF was really the only option that gave us a drastic increase in percentage of having biological children. This is an invasive, extremely expensive procedure and we weren't too excited. He suggested that because we are young, we should start with something small and just hope it worked. So- plan B- 3 rounds of IUI followed by IVF if all else fails. We made it through two failed IUI's and realized the infertility treatments were not for us. It really stole the joy from our lives and I struggled very much during this time. I was depressed, angry, confused, and hormonal!! I understand people go through years and years of treatment and I am definitely NOT judging. I know the desperation of wanting to conceive; however, for us, in our marriage, we felt God had more in store for us than the misery of failed treatment. We wanted the doctor out of our bedroom! Stepping away from treatment was very difficult. I felt as though we were "giving up" on starting a family. As soon as we cancelled all the appointments-we felt free.

We discussed adoption for the first time when we stepped away from treatments but felt like we were some how deeming adoption as second place... which is definitely NOT the case. We've always felt it was a beautiful option and a true picture of the way Christ loves us. Having said that, we just didn't feel at this time (2 years ago) we had grieved the loss of the little child that would look like us.. or had grieved the "normalcy" of creating a little Piatt family. We were very hurt and confused at this new phase of "waiting"..I was fearful to start the adoption process because I thought I would get consumed in the process and too hurt if we got paired and the birthmother changed her mind. 

so we waited...

During this time I was heavily convicted that my desire to be a mother had overshadowed my role as a wife and as a believer. I realized I needed to truly give our family to God and THANK Him for the role He blessed me with. I was missing the point of my life. My life and purpose is to bring glory to God.. if I'm wallowing in self-pity, how can I be a light to those around me?? Where was my faith?

I can truly say the Lord worked in my heart and made the sting of infertility bearable. Of course that sting is still there, and will probably always be there... But, I began to find meaningful joy in my life and in my husband. Jake is a great man, and HE is my family. Through this time of waiting and whatever life brings down the road Jake is more than enough...

My God, my Father, my creator knew me before I was born and these desires are of Him and from Him. I trust Him completely..

1 comment:

  1. Awesome idea Jo! Thanks for your honesty...really encouraging to read. I love you guys so much!