I am overwhelmed with many emotions. Each step is bringing us closer to officially entering parenthood. We are so close to bringing our very own baby home and I will FINALLY know what it's like to be a mother. The majority of my emotional state is pure excitement and an absurd amount of joy for the glorious day of meeting baby and never letting them go; however, I've realized this process is hard to really express emotion fully and here is my reason:
I am trying to contain my excitement because unfortunately, the day has not arrived. My excitement is very closely related to our deep sorrow with infertility and desperately wanting children for so long. So when I let my excitement overwhelm me it seems a million other unwanted emotions creep in. This process is extremely beautiful and I'm ready for our baby. I know when we bring baby home I'll be able to let out any and all emotions. I'll be able to see the blessing the Lord has for us instead of just talking about it. I'll be able to kiss our baby instead of daydreaming of it's facial features and I'll be able to call myself a mother, and Jake a father. Until that day actually arrives, it still doesn't seem real. There are no physical implications that allow us to plan when our baby will become our baby. The thought that we ARE going to have a baby is hard to allow too much excitement because the disappointment is still so heavy. We don't know when, and it would be impossible to stay at this overwhelmingly emotional state of excitement until the day arrives without growing weary for the day to actually arrive. I don't want to spend these next *hopefully few months* in an uncontrollable emotional state. Therefore, I sort of don't allow for any emotion, good or bad, to rule me. Jake and I basically said today we feel like "okay cool, very cool, one step closer, but let's go on about our life." We are trying to take one day at a time.
I don't mean I'm never letting my emotions out- of course that would be unhealthy. I just wanted to express a little about how we feel during this process and why this step, and picturing our child will ALWAYS bring tears to our eyes, but we don't allow the full amount to pour out. So, we welcome you to cry and show as much excitement for us as you please... but I never want anyone to be confused as to why y'all might seem more excited than we do. Believe me- there is no way that's true, but we are trying to remain calm until the amazing day we meet our baby. :))) Thanks for reading and thanks for your prayers.