Saturday, June 23, 2012

It's tough being a woman thrown a giant-size weight

I'm doing a Beth Moore study of Esther and this week really made me think. We discussed the dilemma of destiny and why it's so hard to trust the Lord's timing. Two points really stood out to me:

1) The unreasonable expectation of our circumstance.

Beth Moore describes this as "what you're asking is beyond me". I constantly feel this way about infertility. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in babies. This oftentimes makes our predicament worse. I constantly joke that if you're trying NOT to get pregnant-don't be my friend.  Unfortunately with every birth announcement, discussion of sleep schedule, complaints and victories with breastfeeding, talking about losing baby weight--- all of it brings out the sting of what we're lacking and my frustration with thinking they don't appreciate what they've been given. Sorry, that's just a confession of what generally goes on in my mind. Now, I'm not naive, I've been around babies, worked at day cares, and been a caregiver--they are WORK. But I'm SO ready. I also am very aware it is not all about me!! So my circumstance has often brought out some ugly thoughts, and unfortunately I'll say people aren't very sensitive to the reality of our infertility, or I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and think they aren't educated on the matter. Although, at the end of the day I have to remind myself- I'm right where God wants me and He is using this for His glory. I try really hard not to get in the way of that, it's hard-I hate infertility and what it does to me.

2) The risky identification.

It's hard to face our God given destiny when we conceal what's really going on. Beth Moore says "one of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny will require transparency." This is where it hit me... In sharing the Lord's goodness through our adoption process it's impossible to deny my "identification". In most settings I feel wearing this would just make things a lot easier:

However, I realize in my crisis, yes I very much consider our infertility to be the biggest crisis I've ever faced in my life-I realize my heart is turned toward the revelation that our adoption story isn't complete if we don't talk about our infertility. The dreaded label and reminder we haven't created life the "normal" way- and the lie that somehow I'm less of a woman and Jake is less of a man because he didn't "get me on the first try." (we've heard a lot of these comments as people are able to conceive quite easily). It all comes together with infertility rocking our world and the Lord pivoting our destiny. I now believe we are destined to adopt. period. Talking about adoption without infertility for us is kind of like chips and salsa without queso. Forgive my lighthearted comparison, but it's essentially withholding the "goods". The moment I realized God is glorified by the courage He gives me daily to face our infertility head on, I am able to trust His hand is in this. It amazes me He's made room in this pea brain head of mine to understand He's given me the faith to see this through. 

So, to wrap it up... I'll say this. I'm grateful the Lord has changed our hearts towards adoption. It definitely wasn't the plan up front and now that we are here- I can't picture it any other way. I also am very confident I'll understand more fully when we hold the special baby He's chosen for us. 

I still feel like I've been thrown a giant-size weight, but my prayer is I am able to find the faith to believe He put me on this path for my good and His ultimate glory. I've prayed many times "Lord, I don't want this to be my testimony, I just don't.. " end of the day it's not about me. I definitely don't want to be the bitter infertile friend that complains all the time... He is the only one who can sustain me and I don't look to my friends to always say the right things. But sometimes I just need to say: No matter how long it's been, how good the day, or how thrilled I am about adoption- it still hurts. 

Steady My Heart- Kari Jobe

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