Friday, June 15, 2012

The spoon that broke the camel's back

Yesterday was a wonderfully hard day. I wanted to send out the approval of our application so everyone would be up to speed, but I didn't have time to write details about how it went down. Unfortunately, it was just one of those days.

I woke up to a voicemail from Mrs. N saying we'd been approved. My heart leapt with joy until I realized we hadn't finished handwriting our letters. So, we brewed some coffee and got to work. I guess I started thinking "Why didn't we have these ready?"... as our hands were cramping trying to get it done, I realized we could have done one a day for a week and been ready to go. I don't know why I couldn't just be excited. I find myself constantly calculating ways to be prepared, and ways to be upset with myself for not being prepared enough. Weird.

Every time I tried to get out of the funk and let the reality sink in- we are waiting... we've been waiting for this approval and it should be nothing but joy-I just became more frustrated. Jake and I were at each other's throats about everything.. I was not angry with him, nor him with me, but it was as if we were speaking two different languages, on two different planets, and with completely different ideas of how the day should go.

Well, hours after getting the call we finally made our way to Dallas, but had to stop to return some shoes. Granted, Jake doesn't have much free time and I needed his foot to fix this shoe dilemma, but all I wanted to do was rush down there and sign the papers. It ended up taking no time at all to return his shoes, but I was anticipating this four hour ordeal and missing our opportunity to fly down there, sign papers, and miss rush hour trafffic. I was border line fuming at this point. What a terrible attitude. Sorry honey.

Finally we get there to sign papers and I'm still not able to truly become excited. What on earth is going on with me?.. I went through all the motions: smile for a picture, document this final step in the application process, send exciting texts out, hug Mrs. N and thank her for all her hard work. Still nothing in my heart felt right. Then I realize I didn't eat breakfast, and the cup of coffee was not satisfying my morning hunger, by this time it was no longer morning. It was 2 o'clock and I was STARVING. So we stop into Taco Cabana and I realize I needed to go to the bathroom since about 9:30 but was in such a hurry to get everything done I'd forgotten to relieve myself. Bathroom, order food, sit down and finally EAT. Yumm, I pick up my spoon to dig into my refried beans and I fumble the spoon.. as it falls crashing to the floor I burst into tears. I'm sobbing right there in Taco Cabana over a dropped spoon. My sweet husband hands me his spoon and I barely get the words out "I'm sorry."...

I don't know why yesterday was so hard. We tried to talk about it and came up with no particular reason other than- we are exhausted, excited, emotional, nervous, and sinful people. With big changes coming up in our life I confess I am nervous. I'm excited about all things coming our way but at the same time I have moments where I lack faith. I guess I've been so excited for the application process to be complete I forgot to evaluate what it means when it's complete. We are now a waiting family and it's time to start the true waiting. The real unknown is upon us and the potential heart break that could come our way is sometimes paralyzing. But above all else, we will be a family and we are ready.

**Funny part of the day- when I finally gathered myself after the spoon incident, I was still crying and laughing saying "I'm crying over a plastic spoon" and Jake asked "is this going to make the blog."... I guess it did.

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