Yesterday I took the day to grieve and allow whatever emotion felt like coming up. A lot of it was still anger, confusion, sadness, and frustration. I secluded myself from human interaction because unfortunately, people just don't know what to say. I get it-it's a heavy topic and I know everyone wants to be here to support us, but it generally ends up with me hurt or irritated by their response. I've realized through this, we set our friends up for failure. Unfortunately, you can't say the right thing- you're not qualified to deal with this struggle. Having said that, I've come to terms it is a 90/10 split. My responsibility is 90% of the work- I need to be gracious in my response and take your comments as wanting to support us. However, there is a given 10% of comments I cannot handle well even on the BEST day! So, yesterday was more of a -I have no capacity for ANY comments; therefore, I'll remove myself socially for a bit.
Today I'm ready for a little human interaction, but first I started the day off with the Esther study and looking through my old journal. I do this often because when I'm in this slump and feel as though we are NEVER growing or going ANYwhere in this journey, I'm instantly reminded where I was last month, last year, three years ago, and so on. So, about two years ago to this day I was waiting to see if our IUI had "taken"... I wrote in my journal 2 Peter 3:8-9 "But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
Now, this verse is talking about Christ's return, but it gives me hope in our circumstance and a reminder God is not bound by time. I may feel like He's got my feet planted in molasses preventing me from moving forward, but that's not the case. Through this journey I've learned what it really means to rely on God for daily strength, even little mundane tasks can swallow me whole if I'm not relying on Him. This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced, and I pray it ends soon, but I'm also grateful for the growth in my heart. I have a new respect for my husband-we talk about it often. His ability to support me and love me is amazing. When we hear a birth story, one thing always sticks out in my mind. The husband always has a new respect for his wife, her ability to endure pain, find strength, and deliver his child. It's always beautifully heartbreaking because I desperately want to labor over our child and have "that moment". However, the Lord is gracious to remind me- Jake has supported me through this "pregnancy of pain" for 4 loooong years. He looks at me and respects me for not giving up and finding my hope and worth in Christ. He's held my hand and rubbed my back through this pain and I am forever grateful to the respect and closeness we've gained through this process. --I'll be the first to admit if we could have the marriage and connection we have now without the infertility, I'd take it in a heartbeat-- but that's not my journey. This is my life and I am grateful.
I'm glad the Lord spoke to me this morning and reminded me He is not bound by time. I need to stop putting Him in this box and expecting Him to do what I want WHEN I want it. He is working and He is moving, He loves us and Has a perfect plan for us. Even when it feels like nothing is happening, I know my God is working in His time, for His glory.