The Esther study we are doing really hit home yesterday. I wasn't able to focus through the week on the daily homework, but I did go for discussion and the video. Man, was the Lord at work in my heart!! I'm very excited to share this new found freedom, and perhaps it's something I've known could and should happen, but I just haven't been ready to let go.
Isaiah 40:31 " Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not grow tired, they will walk and not become weary."
If I continue to wait for the "event," which for us is becoming parents, then I grow weary and become depleted day after day. The final outcome of our situation tends to create anxiety and fear in my spirit, and I've been putting my faith in "it will happen one day." I've been putting my hope in Him "solving" this problem or answering my prayers the way I think He should. I've been fighting day after day to survive this trial and today I really and truly believe there is something more important.
**Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon
Beth Moore says it well "The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place where we trust him-period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us." --So, my most paralyzing fear at this time in my life applies to our infertility. I am excited about adoption, and so grateful the Lord is allowing us to parent in this way. I feel honored to be a part of something so beautiful and so clearly out of my control. However, my greatest fear is we are never able to conceive a biological child. This week during the study, I felt a little bit clearer on "how to manage this"-I really feel like I need to publicly confess: this has been a paralyzing fear which affects my relationships with friends, family, Jake, my God, and myself! I feel a gentle calling to put this fear and "hope of the event" to death. Really and truly. We may never conceive a child, and today, that doesn't carry the same weight and pain. If we are not able to conceive then God is still loving, gracious, and perfect in His plan. period.
Today, I choose courage and feel as though this struggle is coming to an end BEFORE the problem is truly solved. My real problem is I need my heart to change. I desire to get out of the way and let the Lord work. I'm done waiting on a new circumstance and ready to live.