I did not put my phone down today. I stared at it trying to force it to ring. 2:29 p.m. Hope Cottage called and it was a very short phone call. 48 seconds is all it took to say "I hate to make this phone call, I'm sorry, the birth parents have chosen a different family."... we thanked her for the call and assured her we were okay. She encouraged us by saying our child will come.... My first reaction was relief. Pure relief to know--- just to be able to take a deep breath and stop freaking out about the phone call. It was not the outcome we wanted, but it was the outcome we were prepared to hear. We talked about it through the week and felt torn between what our excitement level should be and what it shouldn't. We can't totally remove ourselves from the emotions the first call brought because had he been our son we would desperately want to remember every moment of the process. All the while being on guard-there was no guarantee he was 'ours'...our missing piece to fill this hole in our family. So today, we learned we'd been correct in not becoming "attached".. or remaining as un-attached as you can be from possibly having a child in a week!! This is proving to be a very difficult and challenging roller coaster.
The feeling of relief wore off approximately 30 seconds after the call and I went into a pretty deep state of frustration. It was hard to form words but Jake and I sat in the car looking at each other with such an understanding. Nothing to be said, just waiting for the next emotion to creep in... commence pity party.
This is how I felt.
We just expressed frustration, with no filter *oops* about how we wished things were different. We wish this were our son, we wish we didn't have to go through this.. we wish we wish we wish.. okay, so frustration and a big ole WHY US??? when will this hurt end??...
now on to sorrow. Such heart break. We've been struggling with infertility for over 4 years and for us, even if we aren't "trying", every menstrual cycle is like a big fat NO! So here we are, fifty-one "no's" into this thing, and now 2 different types of "no's" with adoption. I know it will all be worth it when we FINALLY get that YES and hold our sweet baby-- but we aren't there, and we really don't feel close. Since we haven't been able to conceive, we consider this to be the closest we've come to actually having a baby. Our treatments resulted in pretty quick no's- there was not even a maybe before..this week a baby boy was born and could have been ours to hold today. We were probably 3 profiles away from having a son. It's devastating and a feeling I know most can't begin to explore. We are just so tired of being disappointed.
Which brings me to where I am at 1:30 a.m.-- I am weary. I'm praying tomorrow is a better day and the sting of this loss will be short lived. We are not giving up, we are not completely hopeless, but we are hurting. Most of the responses from family and friends today read something like this, "I'm sorry, I love you, God is in control and has the perfect child for you, and I'm praying for you guys."...So, thank you for your prayers, we need them, and although it's truth and we need to hear it, it doesn't help. It just doesn't. Nobody needs to say anything and nobody has said the "wrong" thing. Just from me to you-- pray, we are weary and frustrated and it feels like we are always being knocked down. It feels like we will never get a yes.
I pray the Lord wraps us in His arms and restore our hope, allow us peace, and the ability to trust Him during this process.
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Find You On My Knees