Sunday, September 30, 2012

Getting adjusted, and loving it!

Happy Sunday everyone. It's been a while since I've posted last, and let me just tell you--- we are looooving parenthood. :)

Carson is a wonderful baby and sleeps 12 hours a night--- yes, 12! I'm so impressed with his personality. When he's awake he loves to smile and coo. He does have a pretty dramatic "warning face" and lets us know when he's hungry or tired. We've been a little overwhelmed with visitors, so today we decided to close the doors. We feel so loved and supported by friends and family, and appreciate your understanding in giving us some space. We noticed yesterday he was a little overstimulated and fussier than normal. We put him to bed early and have kept him calm on this wonderful cloudy day--- he's been in an amazing mood and is responding well to the calmness of no visitors and kisses and cuddles of mom and dad.

We've noticed we are slowly gaining his trust. He's a survivor and he's seen a lot of faces in his short three months of life. We know for the last month he's been in wonderful hands, Mrs. L, is the reason he's such a great sleeper, eater, and predictable baby! Thank you. We also understand that he needs to bond with us more than we need to bond with him. We loved him from the moment we saw him, and he is 100% our son, I know the Lord hand picked him for us! However, he doesn't know us as mommy and daddy just yet-- he is so quick to open up his little heart and we can tell he's learning our faces and voices. My heart was heavy the other night as we prayed by his crib, it made me sad I wasn't there from birth, and during a mini melt down I thought "I'd know what to do if I'd had him since day 1"... well thankfully my mom, husband, and dear friend spoke truth to me. God knew he was our son before I was even created!... God's been with him since the very beginning, and He has been the one protecting him. Carson didn't need me at day one, he was covered in prayer and he needs me now. God's timing is perfect even in this! I just love him so much I want him to know me. This is not a complaint, just the facts- he will know me, and I am definitely enjoying getting to know him. :)

Thank you Lord for our sweet son. He is such a blessing and has brought so much joy into this home. We are so humbled by Your plan for us. We pray Carson comes to know you at an early age. Give us the strength and courage to become the parents you created us to be, and bless our sweet son.

Photos @ Hope Cottage:








A few more photos from home:

Great Grandmother, Mim. 





 


Sweetest Boy, EVER!!! 

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sweet Carson Wayne

Dearest Carson,

I never believed in love at first sight until I met you today. You are the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. I have prayed for you, loved you, and dreamed of you for many many years, and you, son, are MORE spectacular than I could've imagined. You are such a sweet and happy baby. You didn't cry at all on the hour drive home, even when we went a little past your hunger stage. You just made a precious face and gave us a few warning coos. Watching your dad carry you into our home was one of the most meaningful days of my life. Your dad loves you so much, he asked if he could be the one to receive you from Mrs. L (foster momma) and give you to me--he also carried you into your forever home because he truly leads our household. I cannot wait to see you grow and develop a special bond with daddy.

I want you to know how much we respect your birth mother. She is young, but she is so brave and loves you so very much. We were humbled to find out she chose us based on our profile weeks ago. We haven't met her yet, but hopefully we can in the next few weeks. I cannot wait to thank her in person for this amazing gift. It took tremendous courage for her to choose adoption, and I know she will find total peace when she sees how much you are loved. The Lord really did design this perfectly. You instantly brought joy into this home, and you were clearly destined to be ours. Your name has significant meaning to us, we fell in love with the name Carson Dean four years ago and have been hoping for a son named Carson; Dean is your dad's middle name. We got the call Monday and knew you were ours, but we hadn't laid eyes on you yet, and we just didn't know what name would fit you--- we were sitting at Pei Wei having dinner when we received the email with your photo... it felt like the photo took 4 hours to load... such anticipation.. and there you were. We knew right away you were our son, you were our sweet Carson. Your middle name is in honor of your birth mother. Wayne is a family name, and we absolutely love it. Also, I am a huge John Wayne fan, I'll introduce you to him soon, and it's okay if you're not a fan :).

I'm sitting here typing this and you are sleeping right next to our bed. The sound of your breathing brings tears to my eyes... I cannot believe you are here! I'm pinching myself to make sure... and constantly kissing your face. The first time I held you I really thought about throwing all my developmental/parenting knowledge out the window and holding you until you go to kindergarden. I love you so much already, and I know it's only going to grow in the years to come. I pray you never doubt how loved and special you are to us.

My sweet sweet baby boy, you are ours, you are home, and you are perfect.

I love you with all of my heart,
Mom

So, here are some wonderful photos/videos of our first day together. I can't express to y'all how perfect he is... he is just-- wow. I don't have the words. I'm humbled the Lord chose him to be our son. What a cool experience, our God is good-- so faithful. Also, we spent today just the 3 of us, getting to know each other-- tomorrow will be a family day; however, thursday evening friends are welcome to come meet OUR SON. Please text us before y'all come.

Photos we were able to see the night before brought him home.




Ready to pick up our son.. 



First family photo!











He smiled the entire time we showed him his new home!!! Ah, we are so blessed. Love this little boy.


First bottle at home!!


Sweet lunch by my hubby.




perfection.


Zoie isn't sure how she feels about him yet, but she likes his cozy baby gear :))


 A little tummy time before bed!... 
oh my word, we are so in love.


What a wonderful day!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Worth the wait..

Most important part of this post is---WE HAVE A SON!!!! yesssss, that's right, a son! These past few days have been so crazy and I want to catch you up on our adoption process.

7 pm, Thursday the 20th, we heard from Hope Cottage regarding a very exciting possibility. I didn't mention it on my last post in detail, but--- Hope Cottage has twins ready for placement. TWINS. We have always wanted multiples. So, when this call came in, we were thrilled.

The birth mother wasn't able to make a decision last week and was having such a hard time they wanted us to come in this morning at 10 am. Now, this was not a match meeting, she hadn't chosen a family-- so a few families, we don't know how many, met with her this morning. What a crazy experience!! Hope Cottage normally doesn't operate this way because it's hard on the families... I agree, but at the same time, I've always said "if only they could meet us in person"... I trust the process, and I understand birth mothers choose from books on a regular basis, and THEN meet the couple. It doesn't surprise me we are going in not knowing if she even "likes" us.

We were excited to express our hearts in person, and hopefully give her the peace of mind she needs to make this decision. My heart hurts for how difficult this is for her... I can't imagine making this decision, and I so hoped it would be us.

Also, during this twin commotion--- I'd put the possibility of the sweet 3 month old in their TLC home on the back burner and assumed the paternity test would allow his birth father to parent. Wrong- during the same phone call, Mrs. N told us he is also legally ready for placement!! Whoa, so now we are in the running for twins AND a sweet little boy. This is just unreal. We were an emotional wreck all weekend :)

We felt the meeting went well, we were able to present ourselves in a mature and genuine light; however, for those who know me--- one of the first questions I asked Mrs. N on thursday was "what on earth do I wear to one of these things"... in my head I was putting together my best business casual, BREATHABLE outfit. Jake looked very nice in his suit while I was pitting out... we all know I have a sweating problem.

Fast forward to the good part!!!!--- It's Monday night 11:00 pm. Our night is finally calming down. Today we had a meeting with the twin's birth mother and thought it went very well. We left the meeting unsure about everything. We really didn't know if we wanted her to pick us, or if we'd just been so focused on the idea of twins we hadn't really stopped to think about her needs, level of openness, and many other factors. Well, we came home, mentally and emotionally exhausted-- I tried to take a nap and Jake went to work for a few hours. 2:40 p.m. I received a phone call from Mrs. N.--- She had the best news I've ever heard. She informed me the twin's birth mother felt a bond with another family and in the same breath that Michael Wayne (the 3 month old little boy in TLC home...see this post) was our son! I got a little information and quickly called Jake. I could barely get the words out.. we just sobbed. He came home immediately and what a sweet, sweet moment. Our wait is over, we have a son, he's ours, and he's almost home!

We've renamed him--- Carson Wayne (middle name to honor his birth mother). We are so excited to meet him and bring him home. Tomorrow at 1:00 we go to Hope Cottage to bring our sweet boy home. We can't express how humbled and moved we are by this blessing. I think it's so amazing that his birth mother knew she wanted us the minute she saw our profile. She specifically wanted a young Christian couple.... so awesome to think the Lord has known this, Carson has been ours, we just didn't know it! Also, I was so sure we wouldn't be chosen based on "just a stupid book." Just goes to show me, we don't have a clue what's best for us. The Lord is in total control and we can't even comprehend the way He's going to bless us.

Thank you all for praying and supporting us through this. It's been a loooong bumpy ride, but oh, so sweet, and worth the wait. We did get to see a photo, and let me just tell you- we are absolutely in love with this precious boy. I cannot wait to share him with you all. Check back tomorrow night for pictures of our special day!!!

Here's a few pictures of what this evening looked like...

Started with the call--

Quick trip to Target!!!


Our first official load of baby laundry ;))


so worth the wait!


Packing up for pick up!


Just the cutest sight...



our son is so loved. 

Monday, September 17, 2012

Did you think of me often?

This weekend we finally started our registry and truly began daydreaming of what we "need" for baby... we didn't buy anything, but we did pick up some family hand-me-downs. I'm thankful my sister is letting us borrow her car seat with two bases and stroller system. So we're prepping, as much as we can, for the day we are able to pick up our sweet baby. Last night I was picking up the house and needed to put something in the nursery, and it happened--- I saw the car seat and I burst into tears. They were mostly happy tears, picturing us loading up the car to meet our child for the first time. I ran into the kitchen and just wept into Jake. I.cannot.WAIT!

It's hard to express emotions on this journey because I've become somewhat calloused. It's a hyper emotional experience, yet a constant balance to keep these emotions healthy and in check. This generally causes me to air on the side of no emotions. Not yesterday... I couldn't fight the urge to picture our sweet baby in that car seat. While I was in the nursery I did some straightening up and put the car seat in the closet (didn't want another meltdown to sneak up). I'm used to seeing the crib, changing table, and glider because it's been an active nursery for two years :). It's the new stuff--- the things I know are specifically for baby Piatt, not the things used by wonderful infant house guests :) While I was in there, I sat and read the sweet book "I Wished For You" by Marianne Richmond. The entire book is wonderful, but this is what I want to share with you today:

Her son asks her how often she thought of him...


I NEVER stop thinking about our child. I pray for him or her daily. I'm constantly picturing where I'll be when we get the call.. and what our exact adoption story will be. I'm so excited to share it and it's not even here!! 

I love the sweet picture below of precious mama bear on her knees with little notes she's written to God all over- "when?" "dear God, just a reminder" "dear God, please pick out the perfect child for me"


So this morning, I sat to write this post and talk about how often I think of our sweet baby. Morning coffee and computer ready:


Then my phone rang--- Hope Cottage!!! Our profile is being shown tomorrow and I've never wanted to be chosen more in this entire process. I'll share more details if we are chosen but please, please, please pray for us. This would be the most amazing thing I could picture for our adoption story. The moment I heard this news I felt like "okay, Lord, THIS is why you've waited... this is why it hasn't been US yet". Now, I'm sure the other families feel the same way we do--- but I am scared by how much I want this to be it

I will be devastated if we are not chosen, but admitting how desperately I want this to be it won't change the level of disappointment if we aren't. So here it is-- right in the middle of my morning coffee... the best call we've received this far. I'm also fully aware if this is not the call, I'll be okay. I trust when we hold our baby for the first time-- I will know I couldn't have imagined and wished for anything better.

So sweet child of mine-- I thought of you, wished and hoped for you, prayed for you, and loved you every second of every day. Please come home soon. 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

rat-a-tat-tat

So this journey we are on is a crazy one for sure. Tonight I chose a very interesting way to document and express how I feel. I never really thought I'd get tattoos.. always thought they were beautiful and looked great on other people. But I realize, I just never had anything move me in a such a tremendous way that I needed to permanently display it on my body. The struggle of infertility, the craziness of adoption, this beautiful mess of a life changed my mind. I feel I've had victories, some small, some big, but I definitely have plenty to say. The world I'd created for myself completely fell apart with the flood of infertility- but now I stand, proud, strong, full of joy, and inked. 

The tattoo on my left arm says "Steady my heart"--- it's from the Kari Jobe song, which I posted in a previous blog. (listen here) It's beautiful and my exact prayer to the Lord. I try not to get lost in the outcome or circumstances anymore-- my prayer now is through everything, the Lord calms my anxious heart and calls me to desire more of Him. Even when it's hard- what's good and what gets broken, happens just the way He plans. 

The tattoo on my right wrist is known among the blog world as the symbol for Infertility Awareness. The ancient symbol of a spiral represents movement, action, creation, and a journey. Within the spiral the heart is a symbol of love, life, and happiness. I didn't choose this to brand us as "infertile".. it's a journey I cannot deny and no longer want to. I accept the course our life has taken and I'm grateful for where I am today. The freedom I find in this symbol is that my life, love, and happiness is really pure joy and unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ. He is the beginning and end of my journey- my ultimate joy is no longer hinging on whether or not we have biological children. 

It was a really fun night! Hope you enjoy the photos :)


video

video




Infant Care Class

This morning started like any other morning- I was not excited to wake up :) However, I was very much looking forward to attending this Infant Education class. We haven't been to Hope Cottage since we signed our papers, and it was really nice to see two of the staff members. Mrs. N was there to welcome us with open arms-I just adore her.

This class felt like something we could do to pass the time as we wait. Lots of sweet families were there, with all the same emotions we have. It's nice to be in a room of people who understand exactly where you are without speaking a word. I was nervous I'd feel awkward or have my guard up--I mean these people are the competition right?-wrong. They are wonderful people who have a heart similar to ours-- it makes getting the 'no's that much easier to be joyful for someone else. We have names and faces that will pop in our head the next time a baby is placed- this somehow lessens the feeling of rejection and makes me smile at this bizarre journey.

The class was sweet and I really enjoyed the parenting style of the lady who taught it. It reinforced my notion I have plenty of knowledge pertaining to sleep training, eating schedule, diapering, and bathing--I know appropriate milestones because of motor behavior classes and endless experiences of all different parenting styles. I left encouraged and not overwhelmed at all. Also, when I asked Jake how he felt, he said he knew most of the information because we've spent years talking about other people's parenting styles and the endless conversations of "when we have kids we are so NOT doing that..." or the "oooh, I like that, remember that for Baby Piatt." It will be SO nice to implement our own way of doing things. I may not have the terms or references to back up my parenting style, but make no mistake, I absolutely have a plan and can't wait to experience it. **I am not saying I have all the answers, just a lot of great people, resources, and experiences to pull from as we begin our parenting journey.

We left the seminar around noon and headed to taco cabana for lunch **No break down this time-- didn't drop a spoon** Then we decided to run to Babies R Us. Yep, we started a little registry. Of course it's very empty because we can't begin to register for a baby that doesn't exist yet. However, it was a lot of fun and a moment I'll always remember.

Baby Piatt's first bottle- souvenir from the class today. My favorite brand of bottle *SCORE*




Thursday, September 13, 2012

somebody pick us, please.

Well, we got the dreaded call today. "sorry to tell you this, but the birth mother in el paso has chosen another family"....
...
..
.
again.

this conversation definitely is NOT getting easier.

So, truth be told, this process is hard, scary, frustrating, heartbreaking, annoying, beautiful, humbling, freeing, consuming, and craaazzzy. We are disappointed and also know in our hearts our baby is coming. We trust and believe the Lord has a perfect plan and a sweet baby in mind for us, which will include a sweet birth mother choosing us. However, it's hard to stay positive.

I didn't picture our profile being shown this many times in just a few months and I'm finding it a bit overwhelming. I thought it would be longer stretches of "no activity." I'm not sure why, but this idea frustrated me--why so many 'no's' soo fast? But I know if we weren't having any activity, I'd be frustrated about that as well. Bottom line- I need a heart change! Also, with this 'no', I'm definitely feeling the rejection. I haven't struggled a whole lot with this emotion; yet, today I find myself asking "why the hell is nobody picking us?!?!?!?!!" pardon my language, but it's the truth. We put our heart and soul into our profile, but I just find myself feeling "if they could just meet us, know us, see how we are with each other, see how we are with kids----they'd know, they'd pick us- they're never going to know just by that stupid book!" I think this as if they didn't choose another family based on just their "stupid" book.

**This is stupid- somebody pick us, please!**

Okay, now that I've got that off my chest... let's dial it back. It most definitely is NOT a stupid book, and somebody will pick us based on everything we poured into those pages. We haven't done anything wrong, and we are not being rejected for something we aren't... somebody else was picked for something they are. Someday we will get the ever exciting "they picked you!!" phone call, while someone else is getting the "sorry".. we will be the OTHER family when the time is right. Which brings joy to my heart today-- I'm so thankful this sweet baby is finding a forever family. Somebody was chosen today, and this little baby will fill the empty arms of a waiting family. Today, I'm choosing to celebrate with the other family.

**still no news on the paternity test of the sweet 2 month old in their TLC home. Fingers and toes crossed!!

Also, north texas giving day is upon us...
maybe you'd like to donate to Hope Cottage!


On Thursday, September 13th
between 7 a.m. and Midnight

log on to

www.donorbridgetx.org

Search "Hope Cottage, Inc." and choose "Donate Now"

A percentage of every donation of $25 or more made to Hope Cottage on September 13th between 7 a.m. and Midnight will be matched
Donations must be made through www.donorbridgetx.org in order to qualify for matching funds. 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

passing the time

adoption progress: we have no news.

Mrs. N called yesterday, and today, to say they are waiting for any new information. We adore our agency and their desire to keep our minds at bay to the best of their ability. I know she will call me daily, even to say "hey, it's Mrs. N, checking in with no news.." Then we'll chat a bit and I'll ask her any questions rolling around in my head; but, the assurance her phone call brings, even with 'no news' is important. First, I love to chat with her, she's a breath of fresh air AND she really cares about our family. She loves her some Piatts ;) and I truly believe she's anxious for the day we get our 'yes' as well! What a blessing to be partnered with Hope Cottage. Second, after her phone call we can relax the rest of the day. I don't stare at the phone hoping it will ring! She called, no news, okay-move on to the rest of my day.... 

In honor of passing time and recovering from a little cold :/--today involved wonderful relaxation. Don't judge me, I'm treating this time as my last moments before entering into motherhood. I'm ready, but don't think I'm totally naive to the drastic changes a child brings to our life. I say to that "bring it on"... until then, here's what my wednesday entailed:
  1. Sleep in as late as possible- check
  2. Wear one of Jake's softest t-shirts- check
  3. Brush teeth-check
  4. Brush hair--- not so much. 
  5. Eat soup and leftovers my mom brought over (no cooking/cleaning)-check
  6. Watch an appropriate amount of episodes hours of Saved by the bell... check check
Thanks to Netflix, I'm streaming all 99 episodes. 


Don't act like you aren't singing the theme song in your head RIGHT now!...

When I wake up in the morning And the 'larm gives out a warning I don't think I'll ever make it on time By the time I grab my books And I give myself a look I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the bell If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess And my dog ate all my homework last nite Riding low in my chair She won't know that I'm there If I can hand it in tomorrow, it'll be all right It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the bell It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the bell It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the
It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the bell!

Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday! I'll update as soon as we hear anything.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

In on it

I just finished reading a great book, In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption-A Guide for Relatives & Friends by Elisabeth O'toole. It's only 158 pages with 9 great chapters. I read it in two sittings :) I'm giving it the thumbs up for overall information about adoption.

I want to say thank you to all my family and friends. We have all come a long long way since my post, Piatt Adoption Etiquette, in April. When we discuss our adoption plan with people, we still get some very silly questions and idiotic responses from strangers; however, those who read the blog and are truly experiencing this journey alongside us have evolved into some really deep, encouraging, meaningful discussions about our adoption plan. I also know I've gained confidence through this process, which allows me to answer a person as if they are asking an educated question, or allow myself the freedom to not engage at all! If you feel led to read this book, I hope you do!

Here is the important thing about this book: it's for you. I know most of the people in our lives put a lot of effort into making sure we feel supported, and we most certainly do. Always asking if they can help in any way, offering to listen and often getting an earful. Well, as we are nearing the end of waiting and getting close to becoming a true adoptive family, I want to encourage you. YOU are in on it too. The book describes you as part of the adoption circle. Obviously, grandmothers become grandmothers, aunts become aunts, cousins gain another cousin, and so on--we are growing by adoption and the excitement of welcoming a baby into the family is nothing short of enthusiastic. However, even if you don't have a specific title awaiting you- you've walked through this process with us. You've prayed for us and you are part of our "Adoption Circle." This book gives you the opportunity to decide how our adoption will directly affect you. Are you nervous about somebody asking you a question you don't feel confident answering? Are you still really curious as to what questions are appropriate and which ones are not? Are you talking to your kids about all the many ways families are formed? Have you grieved the loss of a conventional family as it pertains to you? Do you feel you have an open line of communication with me regarding our adoption?--I hope you do. I do my best to welcome educated questions.

From O'toole: 

"You're in on it now, too. You are a member of someones adoption circle. You are part of the constellation of adoption. And while there is not, at least as far as I know, a secret handshake, there are experiences and insights to which you are now privy. Like any worthwhile experience, it's likely that adoption will challenge you. And even change you."

"One of my favorite descriptions of how an adoption affects those around it came from an adult adoptee. He put it this way: When I think about how we all have grown as a result of adoption in our family, words like open-mindedness, tolerance, understanding, empathy, faith, love, generosity, and selflessness come to mind. Adoption allows us to perceive the world in a different way. It enables us to open our hearts and minds and grow from different and challenging experiences. Adoption challenges our understanding of the traditional family and forces one to go where one may not have considered going on our own." 

I hope, through our journey, you've taken it upon yourself to become educated about the adoption process. Either by resources or talking with me and asking me wonderful questions. I hope you feel confident in what adoption is and what it isn't. I hope you are able to pass this knowledge along, and perhaps influence people around you that haven't been introduced to the adoption process. I hope you are as excited about what adoption means for you as you are for what it means for me! 

Thanks for being part of our circle. 

Friday, September 7, 2012

what-a-whirlwind

This will be short and to the point--our profile is being shown to a birth mother in El Paso this weekend. She is pregnant with a little boy and due sept. 26... We should know something this upcoming Tuesday.

We are still waiting to hear about the sweet 2 month old currently in the TLC home. This means two chances people!! We are very excited and almost too overwhelmed to process what this means. Please pray for the hearts of everyone involved.

Thank you. I'll report back as soon as I know anything on either sweet boy.

I also received a sweet note from a friend yesterday, it stemmed from my new acceptance of really being an expectant mother. Her little girl hand delivered it ;)



To mama.. She gave me foot pins to remind me I have little feet coming my way! And they are probably already wiggling their little toes. 


Thank you. :)


Thursday, September 6, 2012

100

Okay, as many of you know I have a serious problem finding motivation to work out. I only seem to force myself to exercise when I'm working towards a specific goal. This goal is normally an event, not really a weight loss goal (I tend to jump ship when the diet needs a big change). So, I've done two sprint triathlons and a half marathon in the last 3 years. I start the training with one goal in mind-to be a finisher. I did it to say I completed the training and the race, not well mind you, but finished. During the race I'm hating myself for paying to endure this torture while simultaneously thinking about the next race. It's a sick cycle really, because after each race, there is a moment where I swear I'll NEVER do anything like this again, and in the same breath I'm obsessing over what I can do better next time.   What's the point of this little schpeel?.. I'm getting there, I promise.

After finishing the half marathon a year ago, I swore I'd stick with the running so I'd be able to improve my time for the sprint tri this year--- guess what, I haven't run a mile since the race!! Gasp! I know you're shocked, right? I also did not participate in the sprint triathlon this summer. Well, during my "off time," I mentioned to my dad I'd consider doing the HH100 (hotter'n hell century bike ride).. when he turned 60. My math isn't so great and I really thought I had a few years, didn't realize my dad was older than dirt (haha just kidding pops). Well guess what?.. February of 2013 my father, best dad in the world, is turning the big Six Zero! Meaning, if I'm going to do this race with him while he's 60, I'll have to be ready for the HH100 in August 2013.

Here I am publicly committing to train for my first century bike ride alongside my dad. Lord help me. Keep checking back for my training progress!

*** This just in- Jake's going to train with us! yess.  ***

I mean, heck, they are sponsored by my favorite beer... which I'll probably have to cut back on the mickey ultra's during training. Sigh. It'll be good for me.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Braving the baby aisle

Mrs. N called today to let me know she had some news, but not news news! I mentioned in my last post we have a possibility on our line. I'm trying to limit what I share publicly; however, what I need you to know is the door is not closed but we are not really sure how this will play out. Paternal testing, and a chance the birth father will choose to parent.. which means end of the road for us. If he is not the biological father, hopefully birth mother will proceed with an adoption plan. We should know something end of next week...

So, here's where we are emotionally. This is hard people-- adoption is full of ups and downs. We are extremely emotional yet constantly trying to decipher what is healthy and unhealthy about our emotional state. We are most definitely more than okay, we feel supported, and excited about our journey. Having said that, we are a little frustrated by another curve ball in our seemingly absurd path to parenthood. I'll say it again- this is adoption and we signed up for this-but it is an emotional roller coaster I can't begin to explain. We are not worried about the 'yes' or 'no' at this point, more so the w.a.i.t.i.n.g. 

My heart is slowly allowing some real emotions to sink in. This began with a parenting class our agency is offering Sept 15. Jake and I will be there! I was thinking about not going b/c honestly I have more "baby experience" than I know what to do with. However, I realized I will be parenting.. raising and caring for the soul of my child, our child. It's no longer "child-care" or just doing what the mom asks of me... I'm going to be the mom! 

I'm not sure I'm ready for this and the potential heartbreak associated with being excited-- but it's time I allow this specific emotion: I am an expecting mother. I've allowed myself to roam the baby aisles this week and take a peak at the 3-6 month boy outfits. Now, I'm not necessarily thinking this IS it... but I'm allowing a little bit of THIS WILL HAPPEN. We will be buying baby clothes, hopefully sooner rather than later. But, point is, my heart is slowly allowing my maternal instincts to kick back in. I'm generally trying to keep this at bay, or some times take the long way around target to avoid baby central. Not so much because I'll blubber in the middle of the aisle smelling onesies or anything, but more because I tell myself "this is silly... you can't look at baby clothes, you don't know if it's a boy or a girl, what size they'll be for which season".. and so forth. So this constant war of desiring to plan for our family and future baby vs. protecting myself from heartache is an area I'm desperately striving to find balance. 

So, in order to keep the balance I need to allow some exciting emotions in. Therefore, I'm allowing myself a few trips down the baby aisle and granting my heart permission to soar with the idea "our baby is coming..."


Here's what I found while braving the baby aisle. 
I'm thinking Baby Piatt will need something to represent the car business ;). 
*** I did not buy this, as that would push the "unhealthy" boundary, but taking a picture of it and admitting I was in this aisle is a BIG deal ***

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Turn it around!

I am nearing the end of the Beth Moore Esther study, and it has really been amazing. God definitely wanted me to be in Esther with wonderful women this summer!! Thanks to all the girls who were diligent and committed to pursuing this study together; a special thanks to Robin for hosting and leading us-- I am confident in speaking for all of us when I say: Thank you, we admire you, and love you very much. 

I just spent time filling out the "Turn it Around" notecards and I'm excited for this tangible reminder of the common struggles among women, and the scriptures to counter them. Here's the list if you're interested!

Turn It Around
But trust reverses the detours of adversity into the highways of destiny. 

1. It's tough being a woman in another woman's shadow.
Psalm 91:1

2. It's tough being a woman in a world where beauty is a treatment.
Ecclesiastes 3:11

3. It's tough being a woman in a mean world.
1 Timothy 1:18,19

4. It's tough being a woman thrown a giant-size weight.
1 Peter 5:7; Deuteronomy 23:5

5. It's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear.
Deuteronomy 33:29; Nehemiah 4:14; Isaiah 49:16

6. It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience.
Isaiah 30:18

7. It's tough being a woman who feels responsible for the "how". 
2 Peter 2:9; Psalm 103:14

Beth Moore talks about God getting the glory in situations where the "tables are turned." If we never have a table turned on top of us, we'll never experience the joy of what it means for God to turn that table. When we were first informed of our infertility, my table crushed me completely...  I've talked about it over and over-I knew the Lord wanted me to let go of this and trust Him completely. This took YEARS!! I can sit here and say with all my being- I trust Him, I am free from this struggle, and I am excited about the good work He's doing in my heart.

The Lord revealing this truth to me is such a sweet miracle. I can honestly say the true character of my God is shown more through this freedom of letting go than actually allowing us to conceive. In the same token, as we wait through this adoption process--I trust and believe our child will be nothing short of a perfect match-a miracle. He is with me and will never forsake me-- not even for a moment.

Not For a Moment After All
Meredith Andrews and Vertical Church Band