So, here's where we are emotionally. This is hard people-- adoption is full of ups and downs. We are extremely emotional yet constantly trying to decipher what is healthy and unhealthy about our emotional state. We are most definitely more than okay, we feel supported, and excited about our journey. Having said that, we are a little frustrated by another curve ball in our seemingly absurd path to parenthood. I'll say it again- this is adoption and we signed up for this-but it is an emotional roller coaster I can't begin to explain. We are not worried about the 'yes' or 'no' at this point, more so the w.a.i.t.i.n.g.
My heart is slowly allowing some real emotions to sink in. This began with a parenting class our agency is offering Sept 15. Jake and I will be there! I was thinking about not going b/c honestly I have more "baby experience" than I know what to do with. However, I realized I will be parenting.. raising and caring for the soul of my child, our child. It's no longer "child-care" or just doing what the mom asks of me... I'm going to be the mom!
I'm not sure I'm ready for this and the potential heartbreak associated with being excited-- but it's time I allow this specific emotion: I am an expecting mother. I've allowed myself to roam the baby aisles this week and take a peak at the 3-6 month boy outfits. Now, I'm not necessarily thinking this IS it... but I'm allowing a little bit of THIS WILL HAPPEN. We will be buying baby clothes, hopefully sooner rather than later. But, point is, my heart is slowly allowing my maternal instincts to kick back in. I'm generally trying to keep this at bay, or some times take the long way around target to avoid baby central. Not so much because I'll blubber in the middle of the aisle smelling onesies or anything, but more because I tell myself "this is silly... you can't look at baby clothes, you don't know if it's a boy or a girl, what size they'll be for which season".. and so forth. So this constant war of desiring to plan for our family and future baby vs. protecting myself from heartache is an area I'm desperately striving to find balance.
So, in order to keep the balance I need to allow some exciting emotions in. Therefore, I'm allowing myself a few trips down the baby aisle and granting my heart permission to soar with the idea "our baby is coming..."
Here's what I found while braving the baby aisle.
I'm thinking Baby Piatt will need something to represent the car business ;).
*** I did not buy this, as that would push the "unhealthy" boundary, but taking a picture of it and admitting I was in this aisle is a BIG deal ***