I said I'd post again soon. Oops. Oh, well, hello again!
We've been busy getting ready for Christmas and still adjusting to parenthood. It's a nice treat and a beautiful picture of God's love for us. My love for Carson grows daily, he's got so much personality and is soaking up so much. He is learning new sounds, how to eat different food, and is sitting up all by himself. He still tumbles quite often but, hey, considering he could barely hold his head up at 3 months when we brought him home, and now he's sitting up and showing interest in crawling-- I'm extremely pleased. His reflux is not improving and quite possibly getting worse; it doesn't seem to bother him too much, but he isn't gaining weight steadily... we have our 6 month appointment next week and will definitely come up with a better plan. I'll be honest, I'm lazy, and don't want to put whole lot of effort into making my own baby food; however, if C needs it, he's getting the freshest of the fresh, the best of the best. I'll let y'all know what the doctor thinks.
We are putting a face-to-face with Miss K on hold for now. Ms. A assures us she's extremely positive about her choice and loves receiving pictures- she just advised us to put meeting her on the back burner until she's physically in a stable place. I guess she's not living locally anymore and doesn't have her own transportation. Before the holiday party I was so nervous about meeting her. I was worried I'd be overcome with emotions and somehow felt threatened about meeting her. It's silly I know, but sometimes I still picture her as his mom. I was afraid I wouldn't feel the way I do at home or in our world... I am Carson's mom in my heart, mind, and soul- yet, I was afraid to face the fact I am not his birth mother, he was not in my body, he was in hers. After processing and talking, I knew meeting her would be healthy and wouldn't threaten anything, if anything it would be reassuring to us and I was hoping it would be healing for her. Ironically enough, not meeting her was clearly what I needed at this time. As we sat waiting for her to come so many things went through my mind, and at the end of the day I had a heart change. This is about her, and Carson. I was so sad she wasn't able to see him, hold him, kiss him, and my heart broke for her--- She chose to give me her son, she legally relinquished rights as a mother, while still holding the love for her son deep in her heart. She gave birth to him and then chose to allow me to mother him. I am so humbled by her love for him, and hope I will make her proud.
When we started this process we had the idea of "closed"-- we were uneducated on what openness in adoptions looked like. When we first started to learn of the deep love and respect we'd have for the birth mother, she was just a title, now she's a person. She's a beautiful girl who under extremely difficult circumstances chose to give birth to her son and allow us to parent him. I don't know where our relationship will go but I am confident in God's plan for this. He knows what we all need right now, and I trust Him. So, two things I took away from the failed meeting:
1. I really hope Miss K is doing well. I hope she's healing and finding the strength to cope with her wide range of emotions. I know she's hurting but I pray for supernatural peace in her life to make it bearable. I want to meet her, I wasn't so sure before... but I do want to meet her. I also want to respect her needs and trust when the time is right we will get the chance to hug her, thank her in person, and settle into the relationship we will have. I love her. I do not know her but oh, I love her. I feel bonded to her in a way I can't explain. I feel free to love her, and to love Carson as my son-- I respect her, admire her, and want to war against the ugliness in my heart so the Lord can work in this.
2. I desperately want Carson to have the choice to know. At the Christmas party, I pictured him about 8 years old in a cute sweater, his smiling face, and fuzzy hair waiting to meet Miss K. I did imagine the heartbreak of her not coming when he's old enough to understand. I am fearful I won't have the right answers or know how to comfort him. I don't want him to hurt at all through this, I want him to have the option to meet her, or not. But for him not to have a choice in the matter seems difficult for me. I pray daily Carson will learn from an early age his identity is in Christ-not even as our son, or as a child placed for adoption. I want him to be proud of his story, proud of Miss K, and proud of us for the way we love him.
So this is where we are... we're excited to finalize our adoption, it seems March can't get here fast enough!! We're okay to wait on Miss K as long as it takes, we don't feel imposed upon, or like we're holding our breaths anymore-- we are just trying to live life one day at a time and love this sweet boy. He seriously is the most amazing baby I've ever known (and I've known lots and lots).
First weekend of December was pretty packed for us, Saturday we set up indoor Christmas decorations. I bought new stockings, a new skirt, and added red to our previously all silver tree. It was so much fun to decorate with little Carson :) Hoping to tackled the outside lights sometime soon, but it's always a big task and unfortunately results in a disagreement. I never really understood why it was such a problem, but I finally realized how OCD I really am...
I drove a dear friend to the airport Monday morning at 5am, when I returned Jake was already up with Carson and turned on the Christmas tree lights :). I was walking around the tree holding Carson singing "o christmas tree, o christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchaaaa...." I stopped and noticed a silver ornament looked funny. In my head I was thinking, this ornament is facing the wrong way (hooks loop to the right not the left) and it was resting on branch, not dangling with perfection in the oh so obvious perfect gap between branches. So, in the middle of my song I quit singing, "fixed" the ornament only to hear Jake saying "NO WAY" from the kitchen. He then told me Carson kicked the ornament off and he tried to put it back on the exact branch it was on... I'm laughing so hard I'm crying at this point because I realized of all 75+ ornaments *I may have overdone it this year* I noticed the one ball out of place... yikes. Poor Jake, now I know why I'm so picky around the holidays.. I just can't help it. Jake likes to tell the story and make me sound super creepy, like I kept singing the song in a really slow weird tone.... I did not.
On Sunday we went to Hope Cottage's Annual Holiday Party. We went anticipating our first meeting with Miss K. I was very emotional last week thinking about what to say, how to act, all the many ways the meeting would go. Ultimately we'd love to hug her neck and thank her for our wonderful son. I promise I'll write more in a few days about the range of emotions that went on during this time (I haven't fully processed them). So, short version now. We went anticipating meeting her for the first time and she never came. We don't know why she didn't make it. Again, I'll post about this in a few days and express how we feel in this, but most importantly we are not upset, disappointed, or frustrated with her in any way.
We probably wouldn't have attended if we'd known she wasn't going to be there; however, I'm so glad we did. We were able to meet some amazing babies placed in wonderful homes. We were thrilled to find out every couple in our original seminar has become a family, they've all been placed!! It was a little surreal to meet a few of the babies we got the "no" call for... and it was ever so sweet to really see how perfect Carson is for us, and how wonderful the other babies are for their families. God is so good to bring us all together. Here are a few photos from the day.. we didn't take too many because we were hoping to get a few shots of Carson with Miss K, and the other things going on didn't seem too important.