We weren't sure if she was going to attend the picnic so we didn't really make it public. We heard from Hope Cottage yesterday, they'd received an email from Miss K and she was coming for sure!! This was a beautiful thing because it didn't leave much time to panic or over analyze. I wasn't as anxious as I was back in December when we were supposed to meet her at the Christmas party... okay so, what's different about my anxiety level before this potential meeting?
Well, first... time. As more and more time passes, we feel more like a family. Yes, he felt like our son the moment we held him; however, adoption brings a wide array of emotions. I still felt like she'd somehow know him better, or had a different bond.. I still viewed her as his mom. Now, with time on our side (and the fact he calls me mama), I see her as the brave girl who carried him, birthed him, and chose to give him life, she chose to give him a life with us. We know him so well now. He is our son. Second, He suffered from severe reflux and I remember being so anxious about the Christmas meeting. I had to pack 8 outfits and we still ended up driving home in a diaper!! He spit up all over the bathroom floor and all over me while we were there. I'm sure she wouldn't have cared, but the stress of taking a 6 month old to Dallas in the middle of his nap time, with severe reflux, was not ideal. So, third, logistics were easier this time. The picnic was from 2-4, which means we only had to stretch his nap about an hour, and he did really well! I took one outfit change (praise the Lord he doesn't spit up anymore!).. not to mention we've finalized our adoption. Reason number four: Finalization!! This did bring me peace of mind as we loaded him up, it might be wrong, I'm not sure, I'm just being honest, but I felt a sense of ownership. This time he belonged to me legally. Again, I don't know if this is wrong but with our adoption finalized we have a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Back in December we were still having monthly home studies and it didn't feel like we were free from the legal aspects just yet. Alright, now I've set the mood, we were calm, hopeful, joyful, and excited to meet her. I really believe this is why we didn't meet in December. We weren't ready, I wasn't ready. I thought I was, but oh man, looking back, I definitely wasn't. But today, today we were ready! We had a great drive down, we prayed and hoped she would be there... we pulled in, walked up to find Ms. A and she said, "She's here!" Praise the Lord. My stomach did about fifteen flips as we walked over to her...
She was sitting in a chair with her back to us. She as not alone, her boyfriend was there to support her (he was a really neat guy, Jake and him had a wonderful time talking about Jesus!), she stood up and turned around to greet us with a huge smile. Her eyes filled with tears when she saw Carson. She gave us both a hug, but never took her eyes off the beautiful boy she birthed. Jake instantly handed him over to her, he squirmed a little and I could see her begin to get emotional as she said, "he doesn't want me".. I assured her it wasn't him not wanting her, but he's quite the busy boy these days and most likely wanted to explore! I suggested moving over to the grass and sitting for a while, I didn't reach and take him because I knew it was important she gain confidence. When we sat down on the grass he perked up, crawled around, flashed a few Carson grins, and her spirits lifted. We kept the conversation light, talked about all the new things he's doing, a timeline of his milestones. She couldn't get over how much he'd changed. His hair was a little red last time she saw him (2 1/2 months), and now it's pretty light! They had music playing and Carson was dancing. She thought it was really cute, and we informed her he dances all the time and loves music. She said she listened to a lot of music while she was pregnant. I was curious to know what kind because I listen to country (Jake hates it), and any time Carson is fussing in the car I just turn up some country really loud and he calms down. She grinned and said she listens to mostly country. I was thrilled to have another little piece of Carson's story. Since that topic went well, I felt it was safe to ask her a little about her pregnancy. **I always find it interesting to watch a newborns movements and then ask the mom if that's what she felt when they were in the womb, the answer is always YES, that's EXACTLY what they were doing in there** So, I asked her if he kicked her a lot, because his little foot is always going! She laughed and said he kicked her NONSTOP. I love gathering little pieces, I could picture her (now I know what she looks like) pregnant, listening to country, while my precious son kicked the fool out of her! How beautiful. She teared up multiple times as we talked, but the tears never fell. We didn't have heavy conversation, I asked her if she knew what kind of relationship she wanted, and I could tell she recoiled a little. She said she didn't know and it was hard... I knew she meant, she wants a relationship but it's so very difficult. I expressed we just want to know if we're doing something that makes her uncomfortable, or if she wants more contact, or anything to just let us know. We didn't discuss much else after that. We talked about her daughter, but she mainly just smiled and watched Carson's every move. One thing stood out to me, when she held him or he moved, his little shirt would get messed up (he had a button up shirt), and it would lift up so his onesie was showing... she'd fix it every single time it lifted up, with the gentlest touch, she'd smooth his mint green shirt back over his belly. I don't know why it stood out to me so much, perhaps it's because I notice when other people don't do it, haha... but something about it was so special. She teared up and said "I think we're going to go"... we stood up said our good bye's, thanked her for coming, and of course we thanked her for choosing us, and said she'd blessed us beyond belief. I asked her if she wanted to hold him one more time, she did, kissed him, squeezed him and then handed him back to me and said, "here, go to mama."
I just about died when she said that...I don't know how she's processing all of this, I don't know where her heart is, but I know her addressing me as mama was her way of telling me she knows. She knows he's loved and mothered well. She understands she gave him life and he will always be her son, but her love for him is different. She is the birth mother, and I am the mama. I don't know what our relationship will be in the future, but I know today was perfect. A few BIG questions answered, a little step towards a long unknown journey. Thank you Lord for such a beautiful day. We are so blessed.
Miss K and Carson 5/5/13