Friday, August 30, 2013

Update

THREE posts in ONE day?? Savor every word.. who knows when it will happen again. lol

So, I'm feeling very good about having an email relationship with Miss K. The Fear Post was more to confess and document the feelings I've been battling. Well, it's a quick turn around because the Lord is being very gracious to give me strength and courage to face the unknowns!

Carson is growing like a weed and learning so many new things. He's officially walking! When he falls he pops right back up to his feet and takes off. He's sick right now *bummer*. He loves to swim, sing, dance, and read. We fall more in love with him every single day. He's so friendly. He loves to wave and blow kisses to everyone. He is such a daddy's boy! When Jake is around he doesn't want anything to do with anyone. He's still a good sleeper 8pm-7:45am. One nap 12-3! When he's not sick he eats us out of house and home. All in all, we're doing well and having a blast!

Jake's business is doing very well. Sign It Drive It is becoming well known in DFW. We get several referrals and lots of online business. You should check it out! (click here) We don't own any personal cars, we drive cars until they sell. It's a little hectic sometimes! I'm currently driving a Cadillac Escalade with 24 inch rims... although last week I was driving a Taurus X (kind of looks like a station wagon).

We have a sweet 23 year old living with us. I never thought we'd have a "roommate" but we are really enjoying having her. She's so sweet and takes very good care of her living quarters :). Carson loves to go in her room... she always says "oh, hey, neighbor," and he laughs!!

I completed whole30 and have managed to keep off the 20lbs I lost. I feel great. I'm training (well right now I'm recovering from the HH100) for the Cowtown Marathon in February, and have some bizarre goals on the horizon:


Cowtown Marathon: February 2014
Olympic Tri: May 2014
Half Ironman: October 2014
Ironman: May 2015

Stay tuned!

HH100

Okay, so you read about it a looong time ago (here). September 2012 I told my dad I'd train for the Hotter'n Hell Hundred! Well, guess what... we did it!!

This last Saturday, August 24, we completed our first Century Ride. We had a great time! Mile 70-90 was a little rough... but we persevered! I really enjoyed training with my dad, and I'm going to miss seeing him 3 times a week *tear* (even if it was to sweat our a**es off during training rides!) I guess we'll have to come up with another crazy goal to accomplish together.. maybe when he's 70. :)









Team QBKS baby. 

 


A special thanks to everyone who made this possible!!! 
Everyone chipped in to help care for Carson during training rides (especially my mom and momma-in-law. thanks!) Jake, thank you for being so supportive during training and on race day. 
Big thanks to the Haley's for coming out to support us on race day, it was hot and a very long day!

**thanks everyone**

Fear


I am deathly afraid of spiders… seriously, it's not okay. However, spider fear isn't tricky: I see it, I know what’s causing the fear.. I can kill it. I go through a range of options, is Jake home? Great.  He can kill it. Is a friend over? Great. She can kill it. Am I alone? Crap. I have to kill it. I will get the job done, whether I throw a shoe multiple times, use hair spray or wasp spray (pre Carson of course).. or I can burn the house down. One way or another that spider is dying. I have control over the thing causing me fear and even though I saw the thing die, the fear lingers… this is a predictable fear for me. I see a spider and I know what to expect. Freak out, chills, plan its demise, then wear socks and carry a flashlight for a few days. No big deal, been doing it for years. It's terrible, but it's predictable. 

Some fear is tricky. It’s the fear we have when we are lacking faith. It's unpredictable, uncontrollable, and absolutely terrifying. This is the type of fear I’ve experienced with adoption. Specifically the fear I have about a relationship with dear Miss K, Carson’s birth mother. This post might very well make me sound like the worst person in the whole world, but it’s what I’m dealing with. Before I type out the lists of fears I have, which I believe to be ‘non truths’ or extremely ‘false’ fears… I want you to know they seem very real and I am working through them. I am not in control of these fears, but I can trust the Lord to give me the faith to face them. I'm constantly asking for more faith.

What if by having a consistent relationship with her, he doesn’t see me as mom, or worse, I begin to feel like he’s not my son?

This fear is hard to swallow and admit. Right now, he feels like our son, sometimes I forget I didn’t birth him. Our life is normal, he calls me mama and Jake dada, he loves us. He throws fits, he laughs, and dances and has no clue he’s adopted. My fear is as he begins to understand what adoption means, he will not view me as his real mom. Yep, I said it. It’s a potential fear, the fear of something changing in his heart or mine… this is simply not true. We will have different challenges explaining things to him, but he is our son and that will not change.

What if we can’t trust her?

I’m afraid we will have this amazing relationship with her for a few years and then she will disappear. How will I explain this to C? How will I handle that?... Again, a potential fear. I’m afraid of something I have no control over, and of something that may not even happen.

What if it’s not healthy for her?

Who am I, God?... no. I don’t know what she needs, and it’s not my responsibility. Our adoption counselor made it very clear I can’t be held responsible for her recovery, struggles, or victories. She has Hope Cottage as an excellent resource, and I pray she talks to them constantly. We are both new to this. She’s never placed a child and I’ve never adopted until now! We are blessed to be able to rely on people who have been doing this for years and have seen sooo many dynamics. Truth is I don't know what is best or right for her. I don't even know what's 'healthy' for me. I do know this: I do not want to function out of fear.

What if I'm not strong enough for this?

Truth is: I'm not. I'm not capable of loving Carson well on my own. I'm not capable of functioning apart from Christ. So, I ask Him for faith daily to face whatever this journey brings. I believe if I ask Him for faith, according to His will, to bring Him glory, He will give me strength! I don't believe functioning out of fear brings Him glory.. If I'm not asking for faith, I'm failing. I desire for our adoption of Carson, our triumph through infertility, our relationship with Miss K, our future adoptions, our every day circumstances to bring glory to God. If I focus on Him, I find the strength. The fears don't go away, but I don't crumble under them.

(I have more fears, but these seemed pressing, and were the top 4 holding me back from having a relationship with Miss K)

---

Okay, so where do we go from here? Well, I confessed these fears to our amazing adoption counselor, and she validated them, told me I wasn’t crazy, and having a relationship with her takes time. We’ve had him home for almost a year with very little contact from Miss K. We are all just trying to figure out what we need. After I spoke my fears allowed, I realized that’s all it was: fear. Fear was standing in my way from living my life. I don’t know what kind of relationship we should have with her, or what it will all end up looking like. But for my son’s sake, I refuse to function out of fear. I can’t do anything about the fear, but I can pray, and the Lord is faithful to give me the faith to trust Him in this. 

Here's what I do know: Carson is our son. God loves us and is sovereign. I am weak and need faith only He can give me. Fear is not from the Lord. I do not want to function out of fear. Adoption is hard. Adoption is beautiful. I will fail. I am broken. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am a mother. I am blessed beyond belief to be a part of adoption, and I wouldn't change it for anything.. These truths led us to reach out and email her. She’d given us her email address in the letters she wrote to us for Carson’s first birthday. It was really great to hear from her, and she was thrilled to receive an update on Carson. She is so positive and always complimentary of us, she wrote this in one of her letters, "I can tell that y'all are very good parents I could not of picked better people to care for our son."
 
Photos we received from Miss K via email. Sweet Carson as a newborn:







Thank you Lord for allowing me strength and courage to face this fear. I don't want to miss out on the depth of Your love by allowing fear to rule me. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement of knowing something else is more important than fear."

Friday, August 9, 2013

Parenting Defeat

Good morning! I apologize for my absence. I've been busy, and lazy! I've started many blogs and never finished them, which means I haven't posted in a really long time. I normally make notes and think "this is blog worthy" but never follow through. Well, I realize writing is therapeutic and I should get back to this here blog thing. So, I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to try and write more often!

Let's start with this morning's epic parenting fail. Carson is a sweet one year old, and he's generally happy and easy going... as of late, he's been a little, hm, moody. C has got a temper. It's turned into this shrill scream which I cannot seem to get a handle on. I believe he's frustrated with his inability to communicate. He is very vocal for a one year old and is generally able to communicate his needs with his words, but man oh man sometimes we head south quick! He's not a big fan of "no" right now, so I'll be honest, I'm tired. I'm tired of telling him no, I'm tired of the fits when he doesn't get his way. I'm mostly tired emotionally from what "no" does to him. He is too young to understand why he can't have something, or touch something, or bite, or scream in public, so he's just heart broken by the fact that I'm disciplining him. His heart truly hurts knowing I'm disappointed in him, but he just won't listen on the first try anymore. So, this morning: Jake and I took Carson to breakfast with the Haley's. Carson was fussy from the minute we arrived, he didn't want to eat, he threw his food on the floor, he screamed his shrill scream, he pinched Finley, he fussed... we disciplined as we felt necessary for a one year old... then I finally figured I'd hold him a bit while Jake finished his breakfast. Since I was flustered by the screaming, I overlooked how close my full cup of water was to us, yep.. you guessed it. ALL OVER MY LAP. So, with the bacon left unfinished on my plate, I frantically left the restaurant feeling like a total failure. I drove home feeling so defeated, I was wearing a cup of water, and maybe added a few tears to the liquid in my lap.. and I started thinking.. why was I so upset?  Here's the honest truth:

1) I was embarrassed.
2) I felt like a failure of a mother who couldn't "control" her child in public.
3) I was worried because I didn't know what was wrong with Carson, teeth, upset stomach, tired... was he hurting in some way he couldn't tell me..
4) I was mad. Mad at the situation, mad my pants were soaked..
5) I was heartbroken. I knew breakfast set the tone for our whole day, and I know he's too young to understand why I'm so disappointed. I was worried I wouldn't even want to play with him later (seriously, my heart is like an ugly 3 year old sometimes).
6) I realized I had failed Carson in my response.
7) I realized I failed Jake and the Haley's with my response. My response made the situation way worse than it was.. sorry guys!
8) then I prayed... I prayed for forgiveness, patience, grace, and peace.
9) Then we got home... Carson is still extremely fussy... I believe it's teeth but I sure don't know! I do know we will survive today, and I hope he wakes up feeling better from his nap.

Here's what I'm telling myself right now:
I am not a failure. I love my son. Child rearing is hard. I love him so much. I care about his soul. I am not perfect. I don't expect him to be perfect either. He can't say sorry but I can forgive him. He loves me. I am not alone. I can apologize to him even though he doesn't understand. I need God daily to be the mother Carson deserves.

Lord help us as we try and navigate this parenting thing.