Friday, August 30, 2013

Fear


I am deathly afraid of spiders… seriously, it's not okay. However, spider fear isn't tricky: I see it, I know what’s causing the fear.. I can kill it. I go through a range of options, is Jake home? Great.  He can kill it. Is a friend over? Great. She can kill it. Am I alone? Crap. I have to kill it. I will get the job done, whether I throw a shoe multiple times, use hair spray or wasp spray (pre Carson of course).. or I can burn the house down. One way or another that spider is dying. I have control over the thing causing me fear and even though I saw the thing die, the fear lingers… this is a predictable fear for me. I see a spider and I know what to expect. Freak out, chills, plan its demise, then wear socks and carry a flashlight for a few days. No big deal, been doing it for years. It's terrible, but it's predictable. 

Some fear is tricky. It’s the fear we have when we are lacking faith. It's unpredictable, uncontrollable, and absolutely terrifying. This is the type of fear I’ve experienced with adoption. Specifically the fear I have about a relationship with dear Miss K, Carson’s birth mother. This post might very well make me sound like the worst person in the whole world, but it’s what I’m dealing with. Before I type out the lists of fears I have, which I believe to be ‘non truths’ or extremely ‘false’ fears… I want you to know they seem very real and I am working through them. I am not in control of these fears, but I can trust the Lord to give me the faith to face them. I'm constantly asking for more faith.

What if by having a consistent relationship with her, he doesn’t see me as mom, or worse, I begin to feel like he’s not my son?

This fear is hard to swallow and admit. Right now, he feels like our son, sometimes I forget I didn’t birth him. Our life is normal, he calls me mama and Jake dada, he loves us. He throws fits, he laughs, and dances and has no clue he’s adopted. My fear is as he begins to understand what adoption means, he will not view me as his real mom. Yep, I said it. It’s a potential fear, the fear of something changing in his heart or mine… this is simply not true. We will have different challenges explaining things to him, but he is our son and that will not change.

What if we can’t trust her?

I’m afraid we will have this amazing relationship with her for a few years and then she will disappear. How will I explain this to C? How will I handle that?... Again, a potential fear. I’m afraid of something I have no control over, and of something that may not even happen.

What if it’s not healthy for her?

Who am I, God?... no. I don’t know what she needs, and it’s not my responsibility. Our adoption counselor made it very clear I can’t be held responsible for her recovery, struggles, or victories. She has Hope Cottage as an excellent resource, and I pray she talks to them constantly. We are both new to this. She’s never placed a child and I’ve never adopted until now! We are blessed to be able to rely on people who have been doing this for years and have seen sooo many dynamics. Truth is I don't know what is best or right for her. I don't even know what's 'healthy' for me. I do know this: I do not want to function out of fear.

What if I'm not strong enough for this?

Truth is: I'm not. I'm not capable of loving Carson well on my own. I'm not capable of functioning apart from Christ. So, I ask Him for faith daily to face whatever this journey brings. I believe if I ask Him for faith, according to His will, to bring Him glory, He will give me strength! I don't believe functioning out of fear brings Him glory.. If I'm not asking for faith, I'm failing. I desire for our adoption of Carson, our triumph through infertility, our relationship with Miss K, our future adoptions, our every day circumstances to bring glory to God. If I focus on Him, I find the strength. The fears don't go away, but I don't crumble under them.

(I have more fears, but these seemed pressing, and were the top 4 holding me back from having a relationship with Miss K)

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Okay, so where do we go from here? Well, I confessed these fears to our amazing adoption counselor, and she validated them, told me I wasn’t crazy, and having a relationship with her takes time. We’ve had him home for almost a year with very little contact from Miss K. We are all just trying to figure out what we need. After I spoke my fears allowed, I realized that’s all it was: fear. Fear was standing in my way from living my life. I don’t know what kind of relationship we should have with her, or what it will all end up looking like. But for my son’s sake, I refuse to function out of fear. I can’t do anything about the fear, but I can pray, and the Lord is faithful to give me the faith to trust Him in this. 

Here's what I do know: Carson is our son. God loves us and is sovereign. I am weak and need faith only He can give me. Fear is not from the Lord. I do not want to function out of fear. Adoption is hard. Adoption is beautiful. I will fail. I am broken. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am a mother. I am blessed beyond belief to be a part of adoption, and I wouldn't change it for anything.. These truths led us to reach out and email her. She’d given us her email address in the letters she wrote to us for Carson’s first birthday. It was really great to hear from her, and she was thrilled to receive an update on Carson. She is so positive and always complimentary of us, she wrote this in one of her letters, "I can tell that y'all are very good parents I could not of picked better people to care for our son."
 
Photos we received from Miss K via email. Sweet Carson as a newborn:







Thank you Lord for allowing me strength and courage to face this fear. I don't want to miss out on the depth of Your love by allowing fear to rule me. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement of knowing something else is more important than fear."

2 comments:

  1. Of course that's exactly what he looked like at birth! I love these priceless pictures!

    Great post. I think one of the best things we can do for each other as moms is to honestly share our fears. We all have them and they're all different but it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only one who worries!

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    Replies
    1. Exactly. We all have them. We should share our fears and then point each other upwards bc He's got us!!

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