Friday, August 9, 2013

Parenting Defeat

Good morning! I apologize for my absence. I've been busy, and lazy! I've started many blogs and never finished them, which means I haven't posted in a really long time. I normally make notes and think "this is blog worthy" but never follow through. Well, I realize writing is therapeutic and I should get back to this here blog thing. So, I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to try and write more often!

Let's start with this morning's epic parenting fail. Carson is a sweet one year old, and he's generally happy and easy going... as of late, he's been a little, hm, moody. C has got a temper. It's turned into this shrill scream which I cannot seem to get a handle on. I believe he's frustrated with his inability to communicate. He is very vocal for a one year old and is generally able to communicate his needs with his words, but man oh man sometimes we head south quick! He's not a big fan of "no" right now, so I'll be honest, I'm tired. I'm tired of telling him no, I'm tired of the fits when he doesn't get his way. I'm mostly tired emotionally from what "no" does to him. He is too young to understand why he can't have something, or touch something, or bite, or scream in public, so he's just heart broken by the fact that I'm disciplining him. His heart truly hurts knowing I'm disappointed in him, but he just won't listen on the first try anymore. So, this morning: Jake and I took Carson to breakfast with the Haley's. Carson was fussy from the minute we arrived, he didn't want to eat, he threw his food on the floor, he screamed his shrill scream, he pinched Finley, he fussed... we disciplined as we felt necessary for a one year old... then I finally figured I'd hold him a bit while Jake finished his breakfast. Since I was flustered by the screaming, I overlooked how close my full cup of water was to us, yep.. you guessed it. ALL OVER MY LAP. So, with the bacon left unfinished on my plate, I frantically left the restaurant feeling like a total failure. I drove home feeling so defeated, I was wearing a cup of water, and maybe added a few tears to the liquid in my lap.. and I started thinking.. why was I so upset?  Here's the honest truth:

1) I was embarrassed.
2) I felt like a failure of a mother who couldn't "control" her child in public.
3) I was worried because I didn't know what was wrong with Carson, teeth, upset stomach, tired... was he hurting in some way he couldn't tell me..
4) I was mad. Mad at the situation, mad my pants were soaked..
5) I was heartbroken. I knew breakfast set the tone for our whole day, and I know he's too young to understand why I'm so disappointed. I was worried I wouldn't even want to play with him later (seriously, my heart is like an ugly 3 year old sometimes).
6) I realized I had failed Carson in my response.
7) I realized I failed Jake and the Haley's with my response. My response made the situation way worse than it was.. sorry guys!
8) then I prayed... I prayed for forgiveness, patience, grace, and peace.
9) Then we got home... Carson is still extremely fussy... I believe it's teeth but I sure don't know! I do know we will survive today, and I hope he wakes up feeling better from his nap.

Here's what I'm telling myself right now:
I am not a failure. I love my son. Child rearing is hard. I love him so much. I care about his soul. I am not perfect. I don't expect him to be perfect either. He can't say sorry but I can forgive him. He loves me. I am not alone. I can apologize to him even though he doesn't understand. I need God daily to be the mother Carson deserves.

Lord help us as we try and navigate this parenting thing.

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