Saturday, February 28, 2015

joy

I write to get things off my chest. I write to update people. I write to inform people. I write to encourage people. I write to be honest. I write to work through things. I write to find clarity. I write to heal my heart. I write to remember. I do not write to throw pity parties or to make my problems seem more serious than others. I just write what comes out. What normally comes out on here are things I'm working through. Struggles. Things I need clarity on, so I start typing and see what I have to say about it all. I feel like fostering has been dragging us down quite a bit these days. It is really hard on many different levels. I feel like I haven't spent a lot of time on here discussing the joy. Oh, the joy. I never want people to miss the joy fostering is to us.

I'll set the stage by thinking back on infertility days of having great joy with deep sorrow. (feel free to look back at old posts!) I still feel this way often. I can be so angry, scared, frustrated, annoyed, heartbroken over fostering, but I strive to never lose my joy. Happiness is in the moment but joy is rooted in my soul. Joy is something the Lord gives me, and it shouldn't be shaken.

so, the joy.

I've always loved our home. I like to decorate, rearrange, organize, entertain etc. Over the years our home has played many roles. I threw many adult/kidless parties back in the day, lots of holidays, birthdays, wedding showers. Then kids entered the phase of life for all our friends and family. Our gatherings turned a little more kid friendly. I was honored to keep my nephew here. I made a nursery for future baby Piatt, with the intent of letting other kiddos use it while we waited. And boy did it get used! So many kids slept in Carson's crib before him. It was a lovely season... Also, a tough one. We longed for children so bad, but I did my best to serve those around me, and make our home a place of refuge for anyone who entered. Tons of baby showers, home group, more wedding showers, more holidays, and still no baby Piatt. Our prayer was always to have our home full of children. full. I can't fully express how hard it was to long for a full house while it remained empty. However, it was a sweet season of growth and service. Which brings me to now, the pitter patter of these three boys is truly music to my ears. The screaming, not so much. But, I wouldn't trade my life for anything right now. I am in the sweet spot. We are growing our family. Our home is full of love, tiny toes, sweet hugs, lots of cuddles, and so much laughter.

I am completely exhausted. At the end of the day I feel like a total failure. I get angry, I lose my cool with the kids more than I would like to. I cry about the case and the unknowns. I cry about their past. I worry too much. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we hadn't chosen fostering.. I do all of that. But, after I talk through the day with Jake, I always end up coming back to the joy. We've grieved a lot and let go of a lot. This whole motherhood thing sure doesn't look like I originally pictured. Our full house came in a way I never imagined, but fostering is a source of great joy!

I found an anonymous quote the other day, and it's perfect for how I feel about our home in this stage of life: "In this house it's mixed beginnings and love unending."
















I know I truly don't deserve any of this. My cup runneth over. 

No comments:

Post a Comment