Thursday, August 27, 2015

Gift of time

It's no secret this last year has been extremely difficult. I've been open about the hurt, frustration, and pain that comes with fostering. It's also been such a sweet time of growth for our family, together and individually. One area I've been forced to grow in: control. Really, letting go of the false sense of control I cling to. Raising foster children completely stripped me of my control. I wasn't able to mother them as my own. The visits and the emotions that came along with them were out of my control. Appeal process, out of my control. Finalization and the rate at which adoption unit will push us through will also be out of my control. Are you sensing a pattern yet? 

Although this season has been terribly challenging, I hope I have been able to clearly portray my thankfulness and joy, even in the midst of hardship. This process has proven impossible in my flesh, but I do continue to choose joy. I apologize if that isn't always what comes out in these blogs! When I first heard of the appeal I was disappointed. Now that I'm sitting on it and accepting it, I'm thankful for it. Really, I'm thankful for this time. 

We've done a lot of waiting in our marriage. From trying to conceive, waiting for test results, infertility, waiting each month to see if treatment worked, waiting for paperwork, waiting for private adoption, waiting to finalize, waiting for foster paperwork, not so much waiting for FTA placement (happened same day lol) and a whole year of waiting for this case to close. While I waited outside the court room for the decision, I couldn't help but laugh and think about the common theme of letting go and waiting! Trial day I was pretty anxious with a heavy sense of peace, hard to explain, but I just knew everything would be alright, regardless of outcome. While we waited for the judge to make her decision, I couldn't believe we were actually here. The words flowed from her mouth and we realized it was best case scenario for our family and the boys well being. However, termination hit me hard with the responsibility. I was so thankful the boys were safe, but I felt this heavy heavy burden to raise them. For a split second, it was almost a burden I didn't want. They have suffered significantly in their short lives and have overcome so much. They also still require a lot of special care and attention. Termination wasn't a magic button erasing their past, it almost made it all seem more real. Which is why I am so thankful for this season of waiting. Instead of feeling impatient, I am full of joy as the Lord graciously changes my heart from seeing a burden to a privilege

We are all healing from this last year and really coming together as a family right now. We are seeing major behavior improvements and extreme emotional growth. If we were to finalize this month, I would stand in front of a judge and I would be able to commit to them, commit to the adoption, commit to strive to love them as my own... But, I'm still not there just yet. I'm close, boy, I'm so close. From March to July each day was causing strain on my relationship with the boys. Each day my heart broke because I could feel myself withdrawing from them, while desperately trying to find the love I needed to mother them well. Now, each day I am falling more and more in love with them. Our problems didn't disappear over night, we have really hard days and really good days.. But, the way things are going, where my heart is now.. When we stand in front of a judge, whenever that day arrives, I am confident I'll be able to say YES without hesitating or struggling. I know it'll be a day full of pure joy. 

So, thank you Lord, for loving me so well, and being faithful, and using this time to strengthen the family you've provided me.

I love how certain songs make me think of the boys. Hope you enjoy this one :)

2 comments:

  1. The day of the termination hearing I prayed that you would feel an overwhelming peace, the kind that surprasses all understanding, so that you would know without a shadow of a doubt that God was with you, that He was in that court room, and that He was for you! So cool to see how God answered my prayer that day.

    <3 your favorite HC case manager ;)

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  2. <3 don't know how I missed this comment!! Thank you! You're the best.

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